The Maid Did It: Akatsuki Asylum!
by LoveHurtsLife
Summary: Pein's losing his control. Deidara's cooking sucks. Itachi's sent to a mental hospital. Kakazu's going bankrupt. Zetsu's in love....with a palm tree! How could this happen! The Maid did it of course!
1. Déjà vu

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, if I did, Deidara would be the only character....**

**Matt is copyrighted by me and only me.**

**Title: The Maid Did It II: Akatsuki Asylum!  
****Summary: Pein's losing his control. Deidara's cooking sucks. Itachi's sent to a mental hospital. Kakazu's going bankrupt. Zetsu's in love....with a palm tree?! How could this happen?! The Maid did it of course!  
****Genre: Humor/Parody****  
Pairing(s): None  
Rating: T**

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Mission One: Déjà vu

It's 11:30 p.m. in my boss's liquor bar in the middle of Los Angeles, California. His small establishment was squished between two buildings and has only ten to twenty or so tables that have forty chairs that come with it. You can count the other ten that surround the counter where the drinks can be served for $10 per bottle. The glass stained windows were dusty and worn out, their colors are blue, green, and yellow, you know, the regular shit. Lights were dimmed down so only the ones at the counter above my head were on. Water dripped from the ceiling of the Grade B bar, I placed a bucket to prevent the wooden floor from getting damaged.

Smoke filled the room from my cigarette that I smoked heavily. My usual black apron is stained with random beverages that I accidentally spill once in a while, along with my jeans. I wore a simple, white shirt saying several Japanese kanjis on it that my friend randomly drew on. Unfortunately, I have no idea what the hell it all means but I kept it anyway since it looked cool.

I gave a sigh as I heard my boss call out from the back door,"It's your turn to close, Matt!"

"Yeah, yeah, Old Man," I replied after the door slammed close.

Heh, guess it's my turn again to close this damn bar.

Carefully, I put the last glass cup on the shelves behind me and locked the cabinets that contained the alcohol. For three years, I've been working my ass off on being the only employee here. The money I earned goes automatically to my apartment, motorcycle, and other payments, so I don't really have that much to spend on anything. My salary was....low.....so low that it makes people working at fast-food restaurants richer than me. Back at Hellsing, though, I earned a lot of money since I worked as a....um....maid-I mean-butler, yeah, butler. Yep, $30 an hour was enough for me. I've been saving my money in the back to buy a small house outside of Los Angeles and possibly get a better job there.

I scanned the bar one last time to ake sure everything was in place for tomarrow....

Yep, everything's cleaned, time to go.

Now, before I go home, let me explain who the hell I am....well....The name is Mathew Wingates. I'm 19, my blood type's A, I'm a Scorpio, and I love Hellsing, Trinity Blood and Negima....but enough of me, back to the bar scene.

Just as I was gathering my stuff from under the counter, I heard the front door open and the bells ring. Huh, funny, I thought I locked it, placed a "Sorry, we're closed" sign, and turned off the neon "Open" sign. I turned up to see a man dressed in a black cloak with red clouds and a high-chin collar. Hm....I swore I've seen those clothes before but where?...

"Hm....I swore I've seen those clothes before but where-?"

"Oi....Matt, don't you remember me?" spoke a low tone voice, the man advanced to the bar and took down a stool to sit on it. "Sake, un..."

"Uh...I dunno who the hell you are but for one, we don't serve sake, and two, can't you read? We're closed....."

His conical straw hat covered his face in the dim light, a hand with dark, purple nail polish drummed against the counter patiently.

"Then get me something strong, quick, yeah...."

I stared at him.

"Got money?"

He reached into his cloak and pulled out several bills.

"You take Ryō?"

"....we take Visa...."

"I don't have that, much less even know what it is..."

"Hmph," I scoffed while taking the so called "Ryō" from the table and inspected it. "...it looks cool so....I guess I can set you up with a drink...."

I turned around to open the cabinet and pull out several cups. Skillfully, I set up three cups and three drinks: Margarita, rum, and beer. I poured each of the three drinks separately with style, since I was able to toss the bottles up, around, and behind me without dropping them. I mixed the three drinks together in a single glass and added an olive, the man stared at me, amazed at what I did.

"Stunned? It's just a thing I do around once in a while....took me three months to learn how to juggle the bottles without breaking them..."

"Sugoi," he murmured as he took the drink.

"It's a Tropical Horizon. It's strong, so don't go driving..."

He drank it.

"Pretty good, yeah..."

I nodded as I started to clean the two extra glasses, I spoke to him,"So...what brings you here?..."

"Nothing much, Matt....you did say to me to go here anytime I needed a drink..."

I paused.

"How do you know me?"

He laughed slightly.

"Oh, you forgot who I am, un?"

"Sorta, yeah, people can't really identify you if you're dressed like that..."

"Hmph...."

Slowly, his rough hand lifted the straw hat off of him. I gaped at him and said,"Whoa....didn't know that girls had such low voices-"

"HEY! I'M A MAN!" he roared at me. He reached for his drink again. "But anyway, back to the issue at hand....it's me....Deidara, yeah..."

"Deidara?" I asked, my mind raced to find out who he was. "Deidara, Deidara, Deidara.....oh! The Akatsuki! You and Tobi helped me get Integra out of prison!"

"Ding, ding, ding!" Deidara smiled sarcastically. "We got a winner for being the most Stupidest Person I've ever met-"

"Shut up..."

There was a change in the mood he was in. He held a serious tone,"Would you mind?"

"Mind what?"

Deidara swayed slightly, he was starting to feel the affect of his drink, as he hiccuped,"....would you (hiccup!) mind joining the Akatatsuki (hiccup!)...."

I raised an eyebrow in interest,"Ho? The Akatsuki....the high criminal organization?"

He slowly nodded,"Man......(hiccup)....that dink is....yeah...."

"Nah....don't feel like it-"

His hand reached out for my collar and pulled me in close to his face, he breathed,"I....we....need someone like you....(hiccup).....to help us, yeah...."

"Why me? You just called me the most 'Stupidest Person' you ever met...."

"But duuuuuuuuude....you're special to me....I love you as a brother.....no, more than a brother....a wife, un!"

"EH?!" I shouted, I wriggled out of his grip. "Fine! I'll join..."

"Gooooooood!" Deidara clapped his hands together, knocking over the drink. "Whoopsie....clumsy meeeeee, uuuuun...."

I groaned,"I just cleaned up, man..."

"Heeeeh....forget about that, come with me....I'll take you to a maaaaaaagical world!" His arms swung out drunkenly and, unfortunately, they hit me in the head....hard, causing me to black out. "Oops...un....better kidnap him while I got the chance, heh, un!" Quickly, he clumsily jumped over the counter (while knocking over several chairs during the process) and lifted me onto his shoulder. He staggered all the way to the door and bumped my head into the glass window, causing it to break. "Oopsies again, un...." Deidara made his way to the street. "Birdie! Birdie!"

.:Akatsuki Base-Next Morning:.

Hidan, Zetsu, and Pein sat at the brakfast nook with their morning coffee in front of them, Itachi had made his way to the kitchen and started to prepare his along with toast. The front sliding door opened and in came Deidara with me sleeping on his shoulder. He made his way to the living room and tossed me onto the sofa where Kisame was watching the news.

"Oi, Deidara, is this why you've been gone all night?" Kisame pointed at me since I was sleeping in his lap.

Deidara started to clear his throat as Pein and Itachi advanced on him, Hidan watched from a distance while Kakazu entered the scene.

"Everyone....it took a while, but I found the right person...."

"The right person to give away our hideout, are you an idiot, Deidara?" Pein raised his voice.

The artist laughed and shook his head nervously,"No, no, Leader-sama....this is Matthew Wingates....I've met him earlier while I was on a mission, he gave me important information on where the Three Tailed Beast was..."

"...go on..."

"Well...I thought we could use help around here with our chores...that way, when we're on missions, we don't have to worry about the household things..."

"So," Kakazu started,"how much does he charge?"

I groaned slightly,"Deidara, what did you-" When I woke up, I looked up to see Kisame. I screamed like a girl and jumped up. "SH-SH-SHARK!"

"How about asking him yourself?" Deidara said.

"Huh? What? Money?"

"Hey kid, how much money do you charge when you work?" questioned Kakazu, I backed away from him.

"Uh...$10 an hour..."

"That's barely nothing....you're hired!"

"For what?"

Before Deidara could explain, Pein spoke,"Hm...we could use a servant around here....it'll save us a lot of time...."

"H-hey!" I stuttered while getting up. "I can't work as a butler again! Now...I've worked with a secret organization, yes, I got experience but you can NOT make me work as a servant all over again!"

This is starting to feel like déjà vu, instead of Hellsing, I'm at the Akatsuki Base...and instead of standing up to Integra, I'm going against Pein....who is dealier than Integra, man I miss that Hell-bitch already.

"I come from California, I'm an American citizen, that gives me rights to be where ever, do what ever, and when ever I want...the terrorist-for-hire kidnapped me and brought me here...against my rights...""

"Okey, but we still can't let you go since you know all about our secret hideout....I'll have you work under us, and you can't leave the base without an escort or unless I allow you to, understood?"

I pondered over that while looking at Deidara, who nodded silently.

"Uh...as long as you don't kill me, then fine....I'll work," I agreed grudgingly, I clapped my hands together and rubbed them reluctantly. "When do I start?"

"How about now?"

"Oh, goody....what am I?"

"You'll work as our Head of Household Maid..."

"YES! I GOT SOMETHING BETTER THAN A-wait-WHAT?!" I shouted, causing the entire base and Zetsu's garden outside to tremble. "I'M A MAID.....AGAIN?! BUT THAT'S FOR **_GIRLS_**!!!"

Hidan covered his ears as I yelled, he rolled his eyes while murmuring,"I can't wait to fucking kill this bastard...."

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**Note, if you read "The Maid Did It!", you would have a good idea who Matt is. It picks off after Matt is given a two months of rest after his advenures with the Hellsing Organization....from Hellsing. The ending part of this chapter is similar to the first chapter of "The Maid Did It!"....so.... **

**...let the chaos begin....**

_**READ & REVIEW!**_


	2. Recruitment

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto**

**(Matt's yelling in the background)**

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**Last time on_"The Maid Did It: Akatsuki Asylum!"_:**

_"You'll work as our Head of Household Maid..."_

_"YES! I GOT SOMETHING BETTER THAN A-wait-WHAT?!" I shouted, causing the entire base and Zetsu's garden outside to tremble. "I'M A MAID.....AGAIN?! BUT THAT'S FOR GIRLS!!!"_

_Hidan covered his ears as I yelled, he rolled his eyes while murmuring,"I can't wait to fucking kill this bastard....:_

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Mission 2: Recruitment

Leader glared at Deidara,"Is yelling the only thing he can do?" I was still yelling.

("WHAT THE FUCK?!")

"Uh, uh, no, Leader-sama....he's good at cooking and making good liquor..." Deidara began a list of this that are "good" with me, he counted each finger on his hands.

("WHY A MAID?")

"...making beds..."

("I DID'T GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL FOR THIS SHIT!")

"...clenaing rooms..."

"...go on...." nodded Pein, who was starting to be convinced.

("EH?! WHY'S THE PLANT MAN STARING AT ME LIKE THAT?!)

"...tending the gardens, so he's a gardener..."

("STAY AWAY, YOU FREAK OF NATURE!")

"...doing the laundry..."

("DON'T START OPENING YOUR LEAVES!")

"...caring for llamas..."

"Why llamas?"

"....his old client had llamas for pets, yeah..."

("WHAT'S UP WITH THE BIB?!")

"...oh, yeah, also doing the groceries is good for him, un..."

"Is that all?"

"Yes, Leader-sama..."

("STOP SHARPENING THAT KNIFE!")

Leader stood there thoughtfully before speaking again,"Is he a good fighter?"

Deidara nodded,"He does long-range, kind of like a sniper, un..."

"Then he can work as a guard as well...."

The two men turned away from their corner to see a comical scene that had happened behind their backs. Deidara's jaw dropped, along with Leader's, when they saw that Zetsu was chasing me around the kitchen with a knife and fork in his hands. Poor Itachi was thrown and pasted to the wall with his coffee spilled on his face, he was screaming about how hot it was. How he got thrown on there was a mystery, it might be possible that I bumped into him.

I was hiding behind Hidan, who suddenly tossed me at Zetsu while shouting,"Shut this guy the fuck up!" Zetsu caught me gleefully with his right, black side cheering**,"I GOT BREAKFAST, LUNCH, AND DINNER!"**

"Deidara!!!!" I cried as the plant man turned on the stove and took out a very, very large pot. "He's gonna eat me!!!!"

"Oh, don't worry, he's just giving a nice, hot bath," smiled Deidara.

Kakazu stared at hte damage,"I'm not paying for this...therefore, it comes directly out of Matt's allowance..."

Rolling his eyes, Leader looked over at Deidara,"He's your responsibility....he'll be sharing a room with you....oh, and give him hte List of Rules....I don't want him to end up like the last servant we've had..." The Leader left Deidara as my guardian. Deidara sweat dropped slightly as I managed to wriggle out of Zetsu's clutches and ran for the back door, Leader stopped me and dragged me over to Deidara's feet, which I hugged. "And make sure that he doesn't escape, remember, he's your property. He works for you, you work for me, that's how my system goes..." And with that, he left, Zetsu approached me with a sharp knife.

"Oi! I'm not done cooking you yet!"

"Zetsu, don't eat him, he's going to tend for your gardens while you're out," explained the artist as he placed a firm hand on Zetsu's shoulder.

**"Tend?....my garden?"**

"S-somebody help me!" Itachi stammered while flinching. "The coffee burns...I'm melting!" Hidan sighed and got up, he used his scythe to peel Itachi down. "..."

As he left, Hidan murmured,"...I'm going to my room to get ready, if that bitch disturbs me I swear I'm going to shove his apron up his goddamn ass..."

I looked up at Deidara, who helped me up,"Well, that's a nice Welcome Party....bring in a cannibalistic plant man, a bitching Jashin worshiper, and a blind man plastered to the wall and what do I get?"

"A low salary of $1 an hour," Kakazu answered. "Make sure to fix this mess...mops and brooms are in the pantry..." He pointed at the Itachi shaped form on the wall. "And repair that..."

I nodded at Kakazu, he turned to Deidara,"You better pray that this 'maid' of yours does a good job....or else I'll feed him to Zetsu..."

"Well, I got to go and do a mission with everyone right now," Deidara explained,"We won't be back until nightfall, that gives you plenty of time to clean up the headquarters-"

"Where're you guys going?"

"We're gonna stalk-I mean-spy on some girls-I mean-targets near the river...Konan's going to stay here, you can ask her any questions that you have but please, for Kami's sake, do NOT attempt to grope her, un....."

"Grope-?"

"Her mellons are...." Deidara made hand gestures to explain what the topic was, I got a nosebleed. "You know....yeah...here." He handed me a scroll. "It's the rules...." He pointed at the list on the fridge. "...and those are the chores you got to do." I pulled it down to read it.

"...clean everyone's rooms, tend to Zetsu's garden, feed the birds n your room, and....set up bombs at night?!"

"Yeah, after everyone's come back. Don't go into Zetsu's garden without Zetsu himself to guide you for the first time and tthe bombs, I'll help you with them and my birds..." Deidara trailed off and shook his head. "Just read the list, un, I'm in a rush-"

"DEIDARA-SENPAI, WE'RE LEAVING, C'MON!" Tobi shouted from the front door.

"I'M COMING! KAMI!" Deidara called back, frustrated, he turned to me. "Now...I dragged your ass out here from where you were....you better be thankful I got you out-"

"Got me out, you were _drunk_! I didn't even _ask_ to go!"

He shrugged and suddenly sprinted out of the kitchen while saying over his shoulder,"Not my problem, un..."

"Now you gave me a job that pays me even lower than before!"

**SLAM!**

He was out, I was in.

So....I was alone in the Akatsuki's Secret Hideout...I opened the scroll, there were at least seventy things I learned....most were disturing, some were funny....and others were just fucked up. I mean, who needs to wear nail polish?! I turned on the stove and burned Deidara's scroll. Once I was done, I bust out the mop and began cleaning up the spilled coffee Itachi had left on the floor. There was a large hole in the wall, I found a bucket of clay and decided to fill in the gap and painted it over with paint I randomly found.

Eventually, I cleaned up the rest of the kitchen and sighed when I was done. Konan entered the scene.

"You're the kid Nagato told me about," she greeted me. "I'm Konan..."

"Matt..."

She stared at the kitchen and commented,"Looks like you did a good job, Matt-kun...what happened?"

"Things...."

Konan shrugged,"Fine by me." and retreated back to her room. "I recommend that you don't clean Hidan's room."

"Why-"

"Just don't...."

Then she was gone. What's up with people leaving me? Are they_ that_anti-social with each other? I gave a shrug and decided to go and clean the Akatsuki's rooms.

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**WHEE!**

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